Preparing yourself as a mentee

You have been shaped by all of your experiences.  High school or even earlier is the time when we often begin to chart our own direction, making choices about the interests we pursue and the people we seek out.  We invite you to start thinking about your history and to begin to better understand what and who shaped you into the person you are today.

1. Describe your top three personal or professional successes milestones from over your lifetime. Of these, which affected you the most and why?
    
2. Who were the key people to guide, support, and strengthen you in your achievement of these milestones?
    
3. What wisdom have you gained from each of them?
   
   
4. What did you learn about mentoring partnerships from these experiences?

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What do you really want from your mentor?

(Adapted from Heathy Boundaries for Mentors and Proteges by Rob Asghar  4/08/2015 in Forbes)

If you're thinking of asking someone to be a mentor, first ask yourself:

• What exactly do you hope to get from that specific person? There is a difference between occasionally grabbing coffee with a high-ranking executive and using her as a career strategist or human rolodex. A mentor may be happy to provide one kind of support but may find you to be invasive or intrusive if you ask for another kind.
• Do you prefer gentle encouragement or brutal candor? Most mentors specialize in the former but not the latter. As Stephen King put it, "Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty." So you need to let your mentors know whether their duty is to be nice or to be honest.
• Are you simply expecting to ride the mentor's coattails to success? This is asking for trouble. Most "successful people" are doing their best to keep it all together. They're often worried about maintaining their own place on the ladder, and you may become a burden if you're expecting them to hoist you up at the same time. You might then find yourself judging the mentor as a selfish poseur, which is the opposite of the kind of adulation that the poor sap signed up for. You're in a much better position if you keep focused on helping the mentor understand what she can gain from knowing you—and from having your own reasonable expectations about what she can do for you.
• Are you clear about where you want to go in your own career? No matter how many high-flying mentors you surround yourself with, you won't go far if you lack your own direction. And you'll then wrongly blame your mentors for your stagnation.
• What measures would you use to assess whether your mentor has met your expectations? Do you need him or her to "make that one big phone call" that's going to change your life or to help you get an agent? Would you feel let down or betrayed if he or she never got around to doing so? Be clear about those expectations—maybe not at the outset, but soon enough.

Developing your goals

"Begin with the end in mind" was very wise advice from leadership expert Stephen Covey.  And as you begin your mentoring relationship, thinking about the end is a good place to start.

Use the SMART goal check list below to begin the development of your goals, and have this form the basis for a conversation with your mentoring partner.

Things to think about

7 quick tips for mentoring partnerships

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Accountability checklist: A few months into our mentoring partnership

After a few meetings and a bit of time has passed, use this checklist to have a chat about the effectiveness of your mentoring partnership.  What are you doing well? In what areas can you improve?  These types of discussions can help you stay on track!

The closure conversation

All endings are also beginnings. Regardless of how your mentoring partnership comes to an end – good, bad or indifferent, a closing conversation is where valuable learning nuggets can be uncovered. 

This closing conversation has four key elements:

1.     What you've learned

• Did I achieve my goals? If yes, what did I learn as a result? If no, what might have got in the way? In what ways might I have contributed to the lack of progress?
• What was the most valuable thing I learned from this partnership?
• What specific insight, approach or perspective did I gain?
• What else to I still need to learn?
• What did I learn about mentoring? About being a mentee?
• What did I learn about myself as a person?
• What has being in this partnership taught me about myself as a learner?
• What would I do differently in the next mentoring partnership?

2.     How you will apply what you've learned

• What will you do now that's different
• What are the next steps you will take?

3.     Celebration and appreciation

• Sincere expression of your appreciation in whatever form is most meaningful to your mentoring partnership
• Tie it into your mutual areas of interest

4.     Redefining of the relationship

• Your relationship will be different after the mentorship partnership ends
• Do you wish to continue to be in contact? If so, on what basis?
• If you decide to continue your mentoring partnership, what will be different? What will be the same?

Myths of Mentoring

Mentoring has changed a lot in the last few decades. Just as the notion of a 50-year linear career with a single company or in one industry is outdated, so is the idea that career advice must come from a wise old sage. The traditional mentor-mentee relationship is not necessarily a thing of the past, but it's no longer the standard. Now, there are many ways to get the information and guidance you need.

What the experts say

While the concept of mentoring has changed, the need for career counseling has not. In fact, because most careers take numerous twists and turns in today's world, it's required more than ever. "When I first started studying mentoring in the 1970s it was a much more stable world. There is a lot of chaos in the world of work," says Kathy E. Kram, the Shipley Professor in Management at the Boston University School of Management and author of Mentoring at Work. While mentoring has morphed, our collective thinking on it has not and many held-over myths still prevail. "There are many ways to define mentoring," says Jeanne Meister, a Founding Partner of Future Workplace and co-author of The 2020 Workplace: How Innovative Companies Attract, Develop & Keep Tomorrow's Employees Today. If you are working with the old definition, you may be confused about how to get the advice you need. Below are four myths: knowing the truth about them can help you figure out who to turn to and how.

Myth #1: You have to find one perfect mentor

It's actually quite rare these days that people get through their career with only one mentor. In fact, many people have several advisors.   Your "developmental network" is that handful of people who you can go to for advice and who you trust to have your best interests in mind, this network can be as large or small as you want, and it may even include your spouse or partner. Sometimes it can be helpful to get a variety of perspectives on an issue you are facing. "It's not uncommon for people to have many, many mentors," says Willyerd, former CLO of Sun Microsystems and co-founder of Future Workplace.

Myth #2: Mentoring is a formal long-term relationship

Because the world moves fast and people change jobs and careers more often, a long-term advising relationship may be unrealistic and unnecessary. Instead of focusing on the long term, think of mentoring as something you access when you need it. It may not be big agenda items that you're grappling with. You don't need to wait until you have some big thing in your career.

Of course, the advice and guidance may be richer and more relevant if it comes from someone who knows you well and understands your goals. You still need to build relationships so that when you require advice, you have the connections in place.

Myth #3: Mentoring is for junior people

Many people assume that they only need a mentor when they are first starting out in their careers.  Now we understand that people at every stage of their careers benefit from this kind of assistance. In their book, The 2020 Workplace, Meister and Willyerd talk about reverse mentoring in which a more junior person advises a senior person.

The reality is "There are lots of points in a corporate career when you need a mentor," says Meister. Though you shouldn't wait for them to come up, transitions are a particularly good time to seek out a mentor. Whether you are making a career change, taking on a new role, or contemplating leaving a job, advice from someone who has done it before can be helpful. "You may need a mentor when the environment around you is changing rapidly and you haven't had a chance to keep up with the changes," says Meister. "Or as you try to navigate the complexities of your organization," adds Willyerd.

Myth #4: Mentoring is something more experienced people do out of the goodness of their hearts

"It can be an honor to ask someone to be a mentor," says Willyerd. But the respect isn't the only reason people agree to help. Mentoring should be useful to both parties involved. Before seeking out a mentor, think about what you have to offer him. Can you provide a unique perspective on the organization or his role? Do you bring valuable outside information that might help her be successful in her job? Whatever it is, be sure that you are clear with your prospective advisor about what's in it for him. This does not have to be a direct barter. Even the promise of future help, if and when it's needed, can be enough to convince a mentor to give up her time and energy.

Preparing yourself as mentor

Although it might be tempting to skip this phase, especially if you feel pressed for time or you and your mentoring partner seem to have instant rapport, resist that impulse! 

Self-awareness – understanding our own motivations, our strengths and challenges – is the key to getting ready to mentor.  We all have internal and external motivations for doing things, but we are often unaware of what these are.  Even when we can articulate our reasons for mentoring, we may be surprised by new insights.

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Some powerful mentoring skills

Reflect on each of these skill groupings by thinking of a time when you were either comfortable or not comfortable using these skills.

Consider this an opportunity to contribute to your own growth and development in these areas.  

What do you really want from your mentor?

If you're thinking of asking someone to be a mentor, first ask yourself:

• What exactly do you hope to get from that specific person? There is a difference between occasionally grabbing coffee with a high-ranking executive and using her as a career strategist or human rolodex. A mentor may be happy to provide one kind of support but may find you to be invasive or intrusive if you ask for another kind.
• Do you prefer gentle encouragement or brutal candor? Most mentors specialize in the former but not the latter. As Stephen King put it, "Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty." So you need to let your mentors know whether their duty is to be nice or to be honest.
• Are you simply expecting to ride the mentor's coattails to success? This is asking for trouble. Most "successful people" are doing their best to keep it all together. They're often worried about maintaining their own place on the ladder, and you may become a burden if you're expecting them to hoist you up at the same time. You might then find yourself judging the mentor as a selfish poseur, which is the opposite of the kind of adulation that the poor sap signed up for. You're in a much better position if you keep focused on helping the mentor understand what she can gain from knowing you—and from having your own reasonable expectations about what she can do for you.
• Are you clear about where you want to go in your own career? No matter how many high-flying mentors you surround yourself with, you won't go far if you lack your own direction. And you'll then wrongly blame your mentors for your stagnation.
• What measures would you use to assess whether your mentor has met your expectations? Do you need him or her to "make that one big phone call" that's going to change your life or to help you get an agent? Would you feel let down or betrayed if he or she never got around to doing so? Be clear about those expectations—maybe not at the outset, but soon enough.

‎

Developing your goals

"Begin with the end in mind" was very wise advice from leadership expert Stephen Covey.  And as you begin your mentoring relationship, thinking about the end is a good place to start.

Use the SMART goal check list below to begin the development of your goals, and have this form the basis for a conversation with your mentoring partner.

Things to think about

‎

5 questions to ask your mentee

Effective mentors seek to understand and connect with their mentees.  It's important to know where they are coming from before you step in to help!  What is their purpose? Are they self-aware of their strengths? What is motivating them to change?  

1. What is it that you really want to be and do?
   
2. What are you doing really well that is helping you get there?
   
3. What are you not doing well that is preventing you from getting there?
   
4. What will you do differently tomorrow to meet those challenges?
   
5. How can I help, and where do you need the most help?
   

It's just as important, for clarity and to reinforce self-awareness, to have the mentee play back to you after the meeting in an e-mail what they heard and said.

 (Adapted from A Good Mentor Never Tramples on Big Dreams. New York Times, December 9, 2012)

Mentor self-reflection

• Have we established a regular pattern of conduct?
  
• How well are we communicating with one another?
  
• What kinds of development opportunities am I providing to support fulfillment of my mentee's goals?
  
• How can I improve the quality of the mentoring partnership?
  
• Are we continuing to work at maintaining the trust in this partnership?
  
• Am I providing thoughtful, candid and constructive feedback?
  
• Is my mentee using the feedback to take action?
  
• Are there some lurking dangers or "undiscussables" in our mentoring partnership?
  
• What additional learning opportunities, resources and venues should we add to enhance the learning experience?
  
• Are we taking time to reflect on our partnership?
  
• Is the quality of our mentoring interaction satisfactory?
  

7 quick tips for mentoring partnerships

‎

Accountability checklist: A few months into our mentoring partnership

After a few meetings and a bit of time has passed, use this checklist to have a chat about the effectiveness of your mentoring partnership.  What are you doing well? In what areas can you improve?  These types of discussions can help you stay on track!

‎

The closure conversation

All endings are also beginnings. Regardless of how your mentoring partnership comes to an end – good, bad or indifferent, a closing conversation is where valuable learning nuggets can be uncovered. 

This closing conversation has four key elements:

1.     What you've learned

• Did I achieve my goals? If yes, what did I learn as a result? If no, what might have got in the way? In what ways might I have contributed to the lack of progress?
• What was the most valuable thing I learned from this partnership?
• What specific insight, approach or perspective did I gain?
• What else to I still need to learn?
• What did I learn about mentoring? About being a mentee?
• What did I learn about myself as a person?
• What has being in this partnership taught me about myself as a learner?
• What would I do differently in the next mentoring partnership?

2.     How you will apply what you've learned

• What will you do now that's different
• What are the next steps you will take?

3.     Celebration and appreciation

• Sincere expression of your appreciation in whatever form is most meaningful to your mentoring partnership
• Tie it into your mutual areas of interest

4.     Redefining of the relationship

• Your relationship will be different after the mentorship partnership ends
• Do you wish to continue to be in contact? If so, on what basis?
• If you decide to continue your mentoring partnership, what will be different? What will be the same?‎

Myths of Mentoring

(adapted from Demystifying Mentoring by Amy Gallo, HBR)

Mentoring has changed a lot in the last few decades. Just as the notion of a 50-year linear career with a single company or in one industry is outdated, so is the idea that career advice must come from a wise old sage. The traditional mentor-mentee relationship is not necessarily a thing of the past, but it's no longer the standard. Now, there are many ways to get the information and guidance you need.

What the experts say

While the concept of mentoring has changed, the need for career counseling has not. In fact, because most careers take numerous twists and turns in today's world, it's required more than ever. "When I first started studying mentoring in the 1970s it was a much more stable world. There is a lot of chaos in the world of work," says Kathy E. Kram, the Shipley Professor in Management at the Boston University School of Management and author of Mentoring at Work. While mentoring has morphed, our collective thinking on it has not and many held-over myths still prevail. "There are many ways to define mentoring," says Jeanne Meister, a Founding Partner of Future Workplace and co-author of The 2020 Workplace: How Innovative Companies Attract, Develop & Keep Tomorrow's Employees Today. If you are working with the old definition, you may be confused about how to get the advice you need. Below are four myths: knowing the truth about them can help you figure out who to turn to and how.

Myth #1: You have to find one perfect mentor

It's actually quite rare these days that people get through their career with only one mentor. In fact, many people have several advisors.   Your "developmental network" is that handful of people who you can go to for advice and who you trust to have your best interests in mind, this network can be as large or small as you want, and it may even include your spouse or partner. Sometimes it can be helpful to get a variety of perspectives on an issue you are facing. "It's not uncommon for people to have many, many mentors," says Willyerd, former CLO of Sun Microsystems and co-founder of Future Workplace.

Myth #2: Mentoring is a formal long-term relationship
Because the world moves fast and people change jobs and careers more often, a long-term advising relationship may be unrealistic and unnecessary. Instead of focusing on the long term, think of mentoring as something you access when you need it. It may not be big agenda items that you're grappling with. You don't need to wait until you have some big thing in your career.

Of course, the advice and guidance may be richer and more relevant if it comes from someone who knows you well and understands your goals. You still need to build relationships so that when you require advice, you have the connections in place.

Myth #3: Mentoring is for junior people
Many people assume that they only need a mentor when they are first starting out in their careers.  Now we understand that people at every stage of their careers benefit from this kind of assistance. In their book, The 2020 Workplace, Meister and Willyerd talk about reverse mentoring in which a more junior person advises a senior person.

The reality is "There are lots of points in a corporate career when you need a mentor," says Meister. Though you shouldn't wait for them to come up, transitions are a particularly good time to seek out a mentor. Whether you are making a career change, taking on a new role, or contemplating leaving a job, advice from someone who has done it before can be helpful. "You may need a mentor when the environment around you is changing rapidly and you haven't had a chance to keep up with the changes," says Meister. "Or as you try to navigate the complexities of your organization," adds Willyerd.

Myth #4: Mentoring is something more experienced people do out of the goodness of their hearts
"It can be an honor to ask someone to be a mentor," says Willyerd. But the respect isn't the only reason people agree to help. Mentoring should be useful to both parties involved. Before seeking out a mentor, think about what you have to offer him. Can you provide a unique perspective on the organization or his role? Do you bring valuable outside information that might help her be successful in her job? Whatever it is, be sure that you are clear with your prospective advisor about what's in it for him. This does not have to be a direct barter. Even the promise of future help, if and when it's needed, can be enough to convince a mentor to give up her time and energy.‎